Where do we go when we die? A good question, and the answer is simple, if you're a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity. That's right, if you were lucky enough to be initiated into our elite order, you've got yourself a one way ticket punched for Chapter Eternal, the big chapter in the sky.

Sometimes I wonder what it will be like...

Obviously everyone would live in one house, chapter house eternal. Although, I hear some of the older guys live in some apartments down the street. I hope my room in the house isn't above the speakers in the basement, like it was in real life. Listening to the vibrations of "Alive" (members of Pearly Jam actually come to perform the song in Sigma Chi heaven) from below is no way to spend eternity. I also imagine that everyone would eat in one great hall every night for dinner, just like in Harry Potter, except Constantine would preside over each meal. Sitting to his left would be John Wayne and when he arrives, there will be a seat awaiting Chen to Constantine's right side. After dinner David Letterman will provide weekly entertainment by way of his top ten lists and occasional video feeds with Rupert G. of the eternal Hello Deli. Also, one night a week we will watch a Brad Pitt film and brother Pitt will tell us everything there is to know about acting and being awesome.

You can also go to church in Sigma Chi heaven. I like to believe there are seven churches, and each of the founders serves as the senior pastor for one of the churches. I also choose to believe you can drink beer in church eternal, as it aides the worship experience. Another thing I choose to believe is that everything in Chapter Eternal should and will be followed by the word "eternal", ie. "Penny Beer Eternal," "Pledge Dance Eternal," "Publix Eternal" and so on and so forth.

The only bad thing about Sigma Chi heaven is that it's next door to KA Heaven. This is unfortunate because KA Heaven insists on playing Ring of Fire at all hours of the night, not to mention that gunfire and unruly battle crys can occasionally be heard from periodic KA Heaven Civil War reenactments. Besides that, everything is good. SAE Heaven is at the other end of Fraternity Eternal Row and independents have a separate heaven on a far away eternal dorm quad, so those things are good.

I can't wait to get there!

Just some things.

Thing 1:

The other day our neighbor came over to ask me if I could help her seven year old son, James, setup a new video game. I agreed, knowing full well I would be unable to solve whatever problem seven year old James had encountered. I went over to their house and stabbed at a few buttons on the remote control. Nothing happened. I noticed James had an X-Box 360. Pretty sweet. Coincidentally, earlier in the day I had considered hooking up my own Nintendo 64 to do little MarioKarting. Feeling bad that I couldn't help James out with his problem, I invited him to join me. James told me he'd never heard of a Nintendo 64. Unbelievable! At this point I avoided the temptation to say something really lame and adulty like, "Gee that makes me feel old."

Later, James came over and I proceeded to kick his seven-year-old ass en route to winning the Gold Cup for the Mushroom and Star divisions in the 50 class. Compliments of mom, milk and cookies were enjoyed by all.

I like to think young James learned a little something that day. Ain't no kindygartner gonna come into my (parent's) house and beat me at MarioKart.period.

Thing 2:

Until recently I believed there was only one thing in this world worth a buck 0 five, and according to the hit puppet movie Team America: World Police, that was freedom. It turns out there is a second item worth the same amount of money, a regular hot dog from Dino's in Woodlawn.

The only question is, which of these is more delicious? The answer should seem obvious, Dino's. That is, unless you consider how freedom might taste lathered in onions, mustard, special sauce, and kraut. You decide.

That's it.