things god invented and why.

1. the puppy cam--as seen on the internets--if you have not seen this, do it, do it now. you can watch puppies in their natural puppy habitat do things puppies do: including make cute noises, scuffle, sleep (sometimes making cute noises), and cuddle.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam

2. for obvious reasons, nick saban.

3. also for obvious reasons, both parents of St. Nick.

4. james bond movies--i just saw the newest james bond movie and it kicked ass. some people who "know things about movies" apparently say it's not very good. well, i for one am thankful i don't know much about movies. movie snobbery is like beer snobbery. some peoples', webb and john paul, but mostly webb, genuine appreciation for good beer can ruin ones willingness to sip on a salt of the earth, regular guy, joe the macro brewery worker american lager...ie, bud light, coors light, etc. Look--The Dark Knight was a kick ass, high quality film, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a little Live Free or Die Hard too. I mean, come on people, these are the movies that make us who we are today, USA USA!

5. cracker barrels--my position on cracker barrels is known--i will not re-hash the glorious reasons why god gave us the barrel...other than this...if you don't like or think you don't like cracker barrel, go to a cracker barrel, look into the eyes of the sweet woman serving you delicious down home deliciousness...look into her eyes, right as she puts your frosty mug and carton of whole milk on the table, next to your slice of apple pie...look into her sweet, gentle, loving, 17 year old this is the only job i could find in this dying town eyes, look at them!, and tell me, just try and tell me you don't like cracker barrel. that's right, you can't, because you can't say you don't like, love, the barrel.

6. leftovers--we are in the midst of peek leftover season--there's only two times every year when people intentionally forget how much food they can reasonably stuff down their throat--thanksgiving and christmas. young bachelors, such as myself, have to be ready to move in for the kill when leftover food is being distributed. usually, most of the people doing the food distributing post-meal know that you are, or at least give off the impression, of being totally incapable of feeding yourself without occasional outside help. milk this for all it's worth and enjoy. to aid this impression you can try the following: mention the new dish you've started preparing for dinner "Cereal Suicide" akin to the fountain soda suicide. "it turns out, aunt judy, apple jacks, captain crunch, and count chocula are the trifecta of breakfast cereal combinations."


7. and finally, as it turns out, god also gave us things that are both good and bad. exhibit A: karaoke.

i used to be a karaoke hater. then i met bourbon street. among other attractions at bourbon street, a local bar, is the karaoke. it is at bourbon street where i culminated my love for Toby Keith's "Brought to you Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." I know a guy who says that every person has one karaoke song meant for them...with the aid of a drink served from a pickle jar I discovered my song. sometimes though, karaoke can put you in terrible situations. keep your eye on friends filling out karaoke request slips of paper. they will screw you over. the other night i was tricked into singing "Beat It". Oh yeah, I know most of the words to that, this will be fine. "Beat it, beat it, no one wants to ....eat it, beat it?" Incorrect. It turns out Beat It has lots of lyrics cryptically hidden within the song to make you look like an idiot when you sing it in front of people. In summary--karaoke--occasionally a force for good and self discovery and other times a tool used to inspire deceit and looking stupidness.